Too often we focus on winning, looking good, and being right. These are nice outcomes, but they may not be what we really want. Usually, what we really want is for another person to do something we want them to do, while wanting to do it. If we force someone into submission they will submit, but they will find a way to get revenge. If we get them to say yes because they want to, we will both be better off.

When my daughter first started to walk she would use her newfound mobility to explore everything within reach. If I went into the storage room she would follow me and pick up hammers, screwdrivers, light bulbs, and other items not meant for toddlers. I would tell her "Put those things down," "That's dangerous, you could get hurt," and so on. None of these arguments worked; she saw no benefit in complying with my wishes. Playing with unusual items was fun, putting them down because I said so was not.

Now I am a lot bigger than she is, and I could have used force to get what I wanted. But that would have meant a lot of loud, unpleasant screaming, and bad feelings all around.

Eventually I thought of a solution. I asked her, "Sweetie, would you like to close the door?" She immediately dropped everything, slammed the door shut, and ran off with a triumphant grin on her face. You can just imagine her thought process: "Close the door? I can do that! Sounds like fun. And daddy will be so proud of me." I got the result I wanted without a conflict, and she was delighted to give me that result—but only when I made my request in a way she could accept.

Most people focus on what they want. The counterintuitive approach works better: think about what the other person wants. Look at the problem from their point of view.

People do things for their reasons, not yours. Look for a way to get cheerful cooperation rather than grudging compliance. It may take some time, mental effort, and creativity, but the results are well worth it. Make it easy for people to say yes.